The 2010 Commonwealth Games. The pride of New Delhi. The pride of India.
Except, it doesn’t seem to have turned out quite like that. Now, I’m not interested in doing a critique of the scandals and shame surrounding the Commonwealth Games to be held in October in our capital. That is best left to institutions like the Anti-Corruption Bureau.
But I have sincerely pondered over what we, the common people of India (also throw in some celebrities for good measure), can do in assisting dear old Suresh Kalmadi arrange the Commonwealth Games and ensure our nose doesn’t get cut (or bitten, if you like). Nah, only the Hindi version makes sense. Hamara naak na kat jaaye. Kat, FYI, is not Katrina Kaif.
And there really is a lot we can do.
For starters, I was dumbstruck to learn that India forked out Rs. 3,757 per roll of toilet paper to be consumed, err, used by athletes [Link]. To this overspending, I offer a simple solution – donate your newspapers. I’m sure you’ve stockpiled enough editions of the Times of India, Hindustan Times, Indian Express, The Hindu, Mirror, Mid-Day etc (add to the list, if you like, via comments. Tabloids preferred) that you could willingly donate to the Commonwealth Games Committee. No other place will they be better used than in the toilets.
Yes, you can cut out that bikini-clad picture of a Sherlyn Chopra (okay not the Sherlyn of 1999, back then she was genuinely beautiful and sexy) or a Kashmera Shah and stick it on your hostel cupboard or behind your attached toilet’s door (if you live with your parents) and then proceed to donate the papers. You can always apply for tax returns, and fill the reason in the form as ‘serving the country with toilet paper substitutes’. Oh, that doesn’t refer just to the Times of India.
I assure you Kalmadi will be thrilled. And wait, we can please him further.
The country has planned to rent treadmills at Rs. 9,75,000 a piece for 45 days. I believe this is another area where we can pitch in. Okay, not us. But the ‘special men’ of India can. This is a golden opportunity for the likes of Uday Chopra, Shahid Kapoor, Tusharr Kapoor and Viiveik Obeiiroiiii (excuse the number of ‘i’s in Oberoi’s name, I’m not sure how many there are since his latest name change) can serve the country by lending us some treadmills from their fancy, in-house gymnasiums (funded by their fathers?).
In return, I’m sure Kalmadi and the Government of India can offer them national film awards (for example, Uday Chopra is an awesome candidate to win the award for his upcoming blockbuster ‘Being Uday’) or Padma Shri awards to ensure their rise in the country. Or just Padmas, if they like.
One more area.
The CWG organisers are considering installing a Rs. 50 crore-worth balloon outside the Nehru Stadium in Delhi [Link]. Now, where will we get such a massive one? This is one dilemma. I suggest we save costs by approaching Shri Lalit Kumar Modi and asking him to offer the services of the MRF Blimp (much seen during the IPL, or not seen at all). Of course, the MRF can be replaced by the Hand of the Indian National Congress. Because without their blessings, this great event wouldn’t have been possible.
I’m sure Modi will ask amounts as audacious as his proclamation that Formula One should aspire to get a fan following as huge as the Indian Premier League. But we can distract him by offering him extra cheerleaders for next year’s IPL. And you know where we can get these cheerleaders – South Indian B-grade film industry for starters. Just imagine how brilliant a Shakeela or a Reshma will do on the grand stage of the IPL. Massive inspiration on the cards. Massive. Oh, here’s an old post on the IPL [Link] for your entertainment.
So, these are some of the ideas that would make Kalmadi proud of you.