England for Prime Minister!

The talk of the town in India (and by ‘in India’, I basically mean Twitter and Facebook) over recent weeks has been more or less surrounding homosexuality and wayward uttering in relation to that by the Ministry of Home Affairs (later withdrawn, may have been unsaid, let’s leave it to speculation) and the Supreme Court. That is if, unlike me, you choose to discount Kapil Sibal’s literally-hefty presence at the 2012 World Mobile Congress in Barcelona.

Following the Delhi High Court’s move towards decriminalization of homosexuality, most spoken words not toeing the line of the High Court are (rightly) demolished and thrown to street dogs. However, I must draw India’s attention to a more urgent decriminalization that needs to be paid heed to, in retrospect. It is something that has gone unnoticed for years, and it is already threatening communal harmony.

People who don’t support one of Manchester United/Chelsea/Arsenal/Liverpool, the England national football team and the English Premier League.

Apart from pervasive poverty, widespread hunger, eye-reddening/lung-wrenching pollution, disastrously poor and blindingly un-improving standard of living, faltering infrastructure, limited edition Mountain Dew neon packs which Salman Khan puts to use during power cuts in Bombay, Poonam Pandey in a saree and other indicatively obnoxious things life can offer us, India suffers from the malaise of a fanatical fanbase of people that strictly, as if part of a secret code, supports one of the four ‘top’ English football clubs only, especially Manchester United, despite knowing microscopically little about the game of football or holding an interest as passionate as browbeating in an expensive sports bar just because your Dad or your friend with a wealthy Dad or your girlfriend with a wealthy Dad can pay for your drink. And mind you, this fanbase is multiplying faster than right-wingers can crack yet one more poorly-constituted “RSS is responsible, hehehaha” joke and laugh amongst themselves and retweet it between their Twitter accounts.

If there’s one thing India is excelling in producing more than engineers without girlfriends and MBA graduates with Arindam Chaudhuri’s blessings, it is fans of these four football clubs. It is imperative that somebody from the UPA Government steps up (except Suresh Kalmadi, because he’ll just make lakhs out of it all) and decriminalizes people who don’t support an English football club and the England national team and give them a chance at living like a proud-free-democratic-BharatMata-worshipping (but not necessarily Juan Mata) Indian. In fact, a popular joke goes like this – A guy who knows nothing about football enters a sports bar on a matchday, orders a drink, sits in a corner and observes quietly for 10-15 minutes. “Dude, which club do you support?” “Manchester United, bro”. Okay, this joke is yet to gain popularity. But you get my point, no?

Like all fundamentalists who leave clues, it is not too difficult to sense a pattern here. It’s got to be a Top Four English club, logically followed by the world’s greatest national team, the England national team and all-round gaga-googoo-ing over the world’s greatest football league, the English Premier League. Like monstrous Indian trucks that consistently honk ringtones of old Hindi film music, with ‘Horn OK Please’ and ‘Mera Bharat Mahaan’ written behind them. Of course because, the rest of the world is just foreign. England, English and everything related is home. Or at least gives a feeling of ‘home’. Except, not really. Say a word against this pattern and expect a reaction that oversized Mayawati statues and die-hard Bahujan Samaj Party-themed-inner-garments-wearing fans would give you if you were giving an anti-Mayawati speech in the badlands of Uttar Pradesh.

India must call for a special post-Winter-pre-Summer Parliament session that decriminalizes people who don’t support English football clubs, before power groups endorsing the cause, call for a clause to be inserted directly into the Constitution of India. Given how the ‘reasonable restrictions‘ clause on freedom of speech is the most ambiguous thing to happen to India since Kalyan Singh’s politics, a pressure group may be just what it takes to make supporting a non-English football club illegal on Indian territory (for now, this doesn’t include Pakistan-occupied Kashmir, sorry). While this requirement may not be as old as the archaic Section 377 clause, it still calls for urgent implementation before all the streets in India are painted either red, red-and-white or blue (89% complete, according to unconfirmed statistics). Before it becomes necessary that to be an Indian, one must support a top-four English team, the England national team and the English Premier League in that particular order, the Government has to make a move.

Just like how living in Gujarat comes with a pre-condition to go numb in admiration of the state’s uber-popular and cannot-do-any-wrong Chief Minister (and lesser Gujaratis like myself have to go on a trip to Daman or Diu to breathe fresh air), living in India comes with an absolutely streamlined pre-condition of supporting one of these top four English clubs. Because c’mon, can you afford to not be a part of the ‘crowd’? Obviously not. Like this guy who once said “Dude, supporting Arsenal suddenly made the anti-social in me disappear. People found me so much more acceptable!”. “If we as a herd end up in a Manchester United sports bar, then that is our democratic right!!”, screamed a guy outside a Manchester United sports bar, who was so drenched in red color that it appeared as if he was a walking advertisement for Asian Paints.

And this is true from my personal experiences too because I’ve had fanatics hold me at gunpoint, threatening to drag me to the nearest Passport Office since I made the mistake of revealing to them that I do not support an English club. They let me go after saying “You are a very strange Indian!”, after I fooled them into believing that I’ll have to stay alive as I’m the guy responsible for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s Twitter account, which as we speak is busy solving the nation’s umpteen problems. Go ahead then, India. And do what is required. Or at least, care to give the rest of your people a minority quota in an IIM or something. If the UPA just sits back and watches the action unfold as has been happening for the past two decades or so, then they might just have a new rival the Indian people might prefer over Rahul Gandhi.

England for Prime Minister!

How We Can Save The Commonwealth Games

The 2010 Commonwealth Games. The pride of New Delhi. The pride of India.

Except, it doesn’t seem to have turned out quite like that. Now, I’m not interested in doing a critique of the scandals and shame surrounding the Commonwealth Games to be held in October in our capital. That is best left to institutions like the Anti-Corruption Bureau.

But I have sincerely pondered over what we, the common people of India (also throw in some celebrities for good measure), can do in assisting dear old Suresh Kalmadi arrange the Commonwealth Games and ensure our nose doesn’t get cut (or bitten, if you like). Nah, only the Hindi version makes sense. Hamara naak na kat jaaye. Kat, FYI, is not Katrina Kaif.

And there really is a lot we can do.

toiletpaper
For starters, I was dumbstruck to learn that India forked out Rs. 3,757 per roll of toilet paper to be consumed, err, used by athletes [Link]. To this overspending, I offer a simple solution – donate your newspapers. I’m sure you’ve stockpiled enough editions of the Times of India, Hindustan Times, Indian Express, The Hindu, Mirror, Mid-Day etc (add to the list, if you like, via comments. Tabloids preferred) that you could willingly donate to the Commonwealth Games Committee. No other place will they be better used than in the toilets.

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Yes, you can cut out that bikini-clad picture of a Sherlyn Chopra (okay not the Sherlyn of 1999, back then she was genuinely beautiful and sexy) or a Kashmera Shah and stick it on your hostel cupboard or behind your attached toilet’s door (if you live with your parents) and then proceed to donate the papers. You can always apply for tax returns, and fill the reason in the form as ‘serving the country with toilet paper substitutes’. Oh, that doesn’t refer just to the Times of India.

I assure you Kalmadi will be thrilled. And wait, we can please him further.

uday
The country has planned to rent treadmills at Rs. 9,75,000 a piece for 45 days. I believe this is another area where we can pitch in. Okay, not us. But the ‘special men’ of India can. This is a golden opportunity for the likes of Uday Chopra, Shahid Kapoor, Tusharr Kapoor and Viiveik Obeiiroiiii (excuse the number of ‘i’s in Oberoi’s name, I’m not sure how many there are since his latest name change) can serve the country by lending us some treadmills from their fancy, in-house gymnasiums (funded by their fathers?).

In return, I’m sure Kalmadi and the Government of India can offer them national film awards (for example, Uday Chopra is an awesome candidate to win the award for his upcoming blockbuster ‘Being Uday’) or Padma Shri awards to ensure their rise in the country. Or just Padmas, if they like.

One more area.

blimp
The CWG organisers are considering installing a Rs. 50 crore-worth balloon outside the Nehru Stadium in Delhi [Link]. Now, where will we get such a massive one? This is one dilemma. I suggest we save costs by approaching Shri Lalit Kumar Modi and asking him to offer the services of the MRF Blimp (much seen during the IPL, or not seen at all). Of course, the MRF can be replaced by the Hand of the Indian National Congress. Because without their blessings, this great event wouldn’t have been possible.

I’m sure Modi will ask amounts as audacious as his proclamation that Formula One should aspire to get a fan following as huge as the Indian Premier League. But we can distract him by offering him extra cheerleaders for next year’s IPL. And you know where we can get these cheerleaders – South Indian B-grade film industry for starters. Just imagine how brilliant a Shakeela or a Reshma will do on the grand stage of the IPL. Massive inspiration on the cards. Massive. Oh, here’s an old post on the IPL [Link] for your entertainment.

So, these are some of the ideas that would make Kalmadi proud of you.

kalmadi
Yes, we can.

Undo it.

Epic IPL Personalities: Alternative Career Options


In today’s IPL special, this blog suggests that the good people on screen in the IPL consider these career options for better success in their lives.

NITA AMBANI – PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 LEAD STAR

nita2
The Queen of the Ambani household (wait, is that Kokilaben? ahh! who cares!) should forego her current job as ‘Official Mumbai Indians Staring Device’ and take the lead role in Paranormal Activity 2. Yes, the horror flick’s roles are just being cast and it seems the producers are keen on signing up Mrs. Ambani for their epic.

mukesh
If Mrs. Ambani wants her real-life husband, Mukesh, to also play the reel-life role (and because he seems pretty capable as seen above), then we should allow that. If not for the movie’s sake, at least for Mumbai Indians’ sake. But one wonders how the crew will be able to film the scene where a completely possessed Nita might have to fling beer-belly Mukesh at the camera. Anyway, they’ll do something I hope. They can always fake the scene and throw a huge Toysaurus toy bear at the camera!

AYUSHMANN KHURRANA – DOG FOOD TESTER

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SuperMan AyushMann should leave bumble-jumble commentary, where he makes more mistakes than a 1st-grade toddler learning Primarily Primary English Course 1, and test dog food for a change.

Yes, the Dog Party of India (DPI) is indeed delighted to have an official tester. The whole community responded with a night-full of barking, with street dogs leading the way.

DPI leader Bhaukta Kutta has said in the media that they didn’t entirely trust the dog food doing the rounds in the market. As it is an industry run by humans, DPI has stated that they want human testers. And who better than numb nut Ayushmann Khurrana! With the number of extra letters in his name, you’d really sound like a dog barking if you took his name every now and then.

ayushmann2
Ayushmann is apparently licking his fingers at the prospect of licking dog food. That’s healthy enthusiasm for a new career!

LALIT KUMAR MODI – SNAKE MILKER

Lalit Kumar Modi. The man who milked India (and the entire cricket world) for money, should now give a hand at milking snakes. Maybe, he can save lives if he takes the venom out of snakes. Given his penchant for milking, Modi might prove to be a revolutionary in the Snake Milking business (and hopefully get poisoned for good himself!).

lalitmodi3
LK Modi was smug (see reaction in pic above) when asked about milking snakes. In typical fashion, he stated that he can milk the hell out of anything. Wonder what will happen when Modi comes face to face with this little one below. Should be an epic clash!

snake
Meanwhile, the snakes are waiting to be milked, Mr. Modi. Hope you return in time for IPL 4!

NAVJOT SINGH SIDHU – PIG MASSEUSE

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This speech-marathon-winning ex-cricketer thinks he can make us laugh. And he can sometimes. But he is best left to massaging street pigs of all shapes and sizes. If nothing, pig grunts will make Sidhu  way more happier than the dull audience reaction he gets from us.

His saliva glands (which are operating at super-low reserve petrol level) can breathe a sigh of relief too, as Sidhu is more likely to make only maniacal hand gestures when massaging pigs’ noses and bottoms than those lip/mouth ones. Apparently, the pigs are excited at this potential new industry, coming up in their rather dull lives. Post-Swine Flu, things have been very quiet. And with Sidhuji leading the way, all we can say is – Bada Changaa Hai Jee!!

sidhu

Notice to Pigs: Congratulations! Sidhuji has opened shop. Now, take a look at Sidhuji’s hands for potential Sidhu-Flu causing germs. You’ve been warned.

pigs

OH BOY!! They are queuing up. First-come-first-serve, dudes and dudettes!!

To Be Continued… 🙂

PS: I have no alternative career, sadly. But you can follow me on Twitter for random nonsense. Or visit my other blog, for a change.

Bailgate


Can anybody stop Dhoni and co? In a thundering second one-day international, India defeated Sri Lanka by 15 runs to take a 2-0 lead in the away series.

But what was more post-match news than the match referee summoning Yuvraj Singh for dissen(raised bat towards the umpire for a blatantly wrong decision) and a Sri Lankan, on the lines of Pakistan’s famous seen-in-every-match supporter, signalling towards Rohit Sharma to sit down when the player was celebrating the win?

The bails. Umpires are humans. Their mistakes are understood, irrespective of the existence of a bias. But bails! What could basic cricket equipment have to do with India’s path to greatness in the sport?

Well, I managed to sneak up on the bails. For no reason, I choose to call them President AAZ and Prime Minister YRG as I failed to get their names. Here’s what happened:-

President AAZ: Hey listen YRG. Today, I’ve come up with a master plan to make sure India doesn’t win.

Prime Minister YRG: What plan?

AAZ: Today I’ve decided that whatever happens we will just refuse to move when India is bowling.

YRG: What? Are you sure of this? Will such denial work?

AAZ: Yes. Trust me. The only way India cannot present a just case to claiming a wicket is by us refusing to fall off.

YRG: Wow. What an idea! This way India may just fail to win. When do you plan to not fall?

AAZ: When Zaheer Khan is bowling. If the ball just merely touches the wicket, don’t fall down.

YRG: OK. But wouldn’t the Indians be suspicious?

AAZ: Dont worry about that. Even living, breathing umpires are against them. We are non-living.

YRG: Any other time?

AAZ: Yes, when their captain Dhoni attempts a stumping or a run out. I urge you to not fall during this time too.

YRG: OK.

Later, when Dhoni’s attempted run-out fails to dislodge the bails, Dhoni moves towards the wickets in an attempt to shake the stumps up off their ground and fix them back again.

Dhoni grabs hold of the bails.

AAZ: Aaaaaaa….Ouch…..Oooohhhh….I’m falling…..

YRG: Aaaaa….Me too….

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Goodbye Jumbo


One of the all-time greats of Indian cricket has retired. Anil Kumble, I thank you for some great memories and excellent moments. But most of all, thank you for being a true gentleman, a great cricketer and an inspiring leader. You will be missed.

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Greatest ever? You bet


Sachin Tendulkar cemented his oft-acknowledged “Best in the World” status yesterday. The planet’s finest willow-weaver went past 12,000 runs in international test cricket, in the process breaking West Indian legend Brian Lara’s record. The 35-year old sporting icon produced not only a trademark performance in his innings of 88 (tantalizingly short of a century yet again) against Australia, but a potentially match-saving innings.

With India poised at a wobbly score of 163/4, most fans would’ve feared the worst. However, Tendulkar combined with a resolute Sourav Ganguly to string up a solid middle-order partnership and steer India through the first day of the second Test at Mohali. Ganguly himself produced an outstanding century, after partnering Tendulkar and later, Ishant Sharma and skipper Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

What is remarkable about Tendulkar, even more than his incalculable achievements, is his continued insistence that Team India remains the cause and purpose of his life and not just a medium to stage his vast inventory of talents. Tendulkar remains the role model and youth icon of millions of Indians across the country and many more across the globe.

The only glitch about falling head over heels in love with Tendulkar is that the day of his retirement isn’t far away and I shudder to think about it, even if he does go a little further and features in the 2011 World Cup. With achievements of such excellence, we can only hope and pray that Tendulkar walks away with the World Cup trophy for our beloved Team India. And cricket, of course.

If you believe that All Good is the raison d’être of human existence, then you believe in Tendulkar.

Image courtesy: The Telegraph

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