I Got Married

–Impromptu Post Warning–

–Uncalled-for-Drama Warning–

I got married. Yeah, I did.

Thankfully, it was only a dream nightmare. But never before have I spring-jumped from my bed like a jack-out-of-the-box and scurried across the confines of my little apartment in the hope that I don’t stumble into that deadly creature popularly known as THE WIFE.

As it so happens, it turned out to be an arranged marriage. The wife-to-be’s deranged relatives kept pouring in to my home in an area mildly similar to Antarctican extremes. They ripped off my tee-shirt and started applying some sort of powder on my body that resembled very closely in color to liquid excreta entering a Level II Treatment Section in a remote sanitation facility. Very soon, the sound of music took up the air. And by ‘sound of music’, I meant aunty cheerleaders (without the cheerleader outfits, of course) screaming their lungs out at the prospect of seeing me go under the knife.

Despite all the chaos, I attempted to take aside of a few of my I-think-they’re-sane-enough family members and desperately tried to convince them that I do NOT want to marry. This girl. Any girl. Don’t. Want. To. Marry. I attempted to fake-puke my way out of the marriage, but to nothing. Relatives kept pouring in, however. Apart from the free food, I failed to understand what motivated them so strongly. Oh wait, my death.

Saner are those people who live unmarried lives, even if they’re usually demented and search for stuff like ‘mangal pandey sex’ or ‘dog toilets’ on this blog. Less paranoid are those people who shun marriage but are crazy enough to take kids to a room and offer them a ‘lollypop’. Marriage is, by heaps and bounds and miles and kilometers and Chetan Bhagat book pages, the scariest invention ever.

Scariest. Ever.

All it took was a dream nightmare for me to realize that.

The World Peace Religious Symbol

Intellectuals and pseudo-intellectuals all over this world’s greatest superpower-wannabe, India, have written about various religious symbols and why we must work hard to either offend them or NOT offend them. Now which ever side of the argument you are on, I must offer you the complete freedom to make fun of my religious symbol.

Rupa Frontline Underwear (And Banyan).

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Yes, this is my religious symbol. Now before I get into further details explaining this pious deity, let me clarify what a religious symbol exactly is.

‘Something’ you have to worship everyday, ‘something’ you must pay heed to when you wake up from a drunken night’s sleep, ‘something’ you have to value more than anything else in your cupboard, ‘something’ that must be with you everyday. The only problem with this religious symbol is that you can’t carry around the same deity everyday. Change one deity for a duplicate deity, and life’s good.

And hence nothing qualifies more so, in my life at least, than Rupa Frontline.

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Yeh Aaram Ka Maamla Hai is the accompanying prayer. My religious symbol offers no compulsion to say the prayer everyday but it is recommended that the prayer be said so that whatever maamla you are involved in has a lot of aaram too. And mind you, Rupa Frontline has answered all my prayers. Simply because it is always there, everyday.

You can even buy this religious symbol [here], and make it your own. And pray everyday to it. While the symbol of peace and religion (?) is largely white, Rupa Frontline offers varieties in several colours (including pink) and you can see why the union of Rupa Frontline with World Peace is inevitable. [Last I checked, World Peace is NOT an undergarments brand. Yet.]

And I’m not too touchy about my religious symbol. You can make fun of my religious symbol and you will not find me amassing foot soldiers of the Rupa Frontline Protection Army (RFPA) to burn your house down or kidnap your mother-in-law or something like that.

All Time Number One Bollywood actor Shah Rukh Khan, who is himself seen as a symbol of religious unity across the world [here], agrees with me entirely. “I agree with you, dude”, he says while opening his arms wide (the one where the arms go in opposite directions directly parallel to the below-the-belt area and perpendicular to the ground) for the 2,23,417th time for a movie scene he is currently shooting.

So, in the spirit of fairness and the spirit of Fair-N-Handsome creams, I firmly believe that the best way to a peaceful world is the adoption of Rupa Frontline as a universal religious symbol by the thousands and millions of human beings (and Uday Choprian creatures).

Buy now!

PS: Rupa has a YouTube channel, too.

[Pictures Courtesy: Google Search]

Year End And All That

So, 2011 is here. Err, not yet. Except in Chatham Islands.

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While the rest of the world engages in the usually thought-provoking New Year’s resolutions (“I promise to buy my boxers, and not let my mom do it” or “I promise to watch Shah Rukh Khan’s new TV show and it’s incessant replays”), let’s study the usual email sending and Facebook tagging that didn’t happen in those golden ages.

You should consider yourself lucky if, unlike me, you didn’t get an email that attempts to sell me collage mugs along with the customary New Year’s greetings. No, it’s a collage mug. Not a college mug. I didn’t misspell. Not only do you get one collage mug, but two for the price of one. Like two Sagarika Ghoses. One on TV, and the other on Twitter. Holy Moses! Hey, it rhymes.

Like how Pamela Anderson’s arrival in Mumbai and departure from Bigg Boss takes the BB out of BB4, a New Year’s without emails, Facebook and Blue Mountain greeting cards is unsatisfyingly B-less, forget BBs. And if you think ‘BB’ stands for BlackBerry, you should return focus to that chat notification on your BB device RIGHT NOW.

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So, that’s that. Tags on Facebook hit new levels when the comments, packed with ‘♥’, ‘♥♥’ and ‘♥♥♥’ that flood the photo you were tagged in. As if the torture of just being tagged wasn’t enough. It’s like how Arnab Goswami’s The Newshour is sometimes complete with the appearance of Ravi Shankar Prasad. Sometimes? Err.

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Like India’s ambitions of becoming a superpower before uber-patriotic Kalaignar Karunanidhi breathes last, I promise to make THAT resolution THAT I will live up to. Won’t forget. Will spray paint it on my room’s walls, will tweet it incessantly, will Facebook tag it. Wooo! What all this tells us is that love and commitment to promises does exist. No matter how fake or real it is, no matter how manufactured or genuine it is, IT EXISTS! I SCREAM to tell you that.

So, Happy New Year, then. Don’t forget to wish your friends on Facebook. And pray you are never tagged in something like this. Because nothing says and love and friendship like this photo.

shahrukh_karan

[On Twitter]

Epic IPL Personalities: Alternative Career Options


In today’s IPL special, this blog suggests that the good people on screen in the IPL consider these career options for better success in their lives.

NITA AMBANI – PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 LEAD STAR

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The Queen of the Ambani household (wait, is that Kokilaben? ahh! who cares!) should forego her current job as ‘Official Mumbai Indians Staring Device’ and take the lead role in Paranormal Activity 2. Yes, the horror flick’s roles are just being cast and it seems the producers are keen on signing up Mrs. Ambani for their epic.

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If Mrs. Ambani wants her real-life husband, Mukesh, to also play the reel-life role (and because he seems pretty capable as seen above), then we should allow that. If not for the movie’s sake, at least for Mumbai Indians’ sake. But one wonders how the crew will be able to film the scene where a completely possessed Nita might have to fling beer-belly Mukesh at the camera. Anyway, they’ll do something I hope. They can always fake the scene and throw a huge Toysaurus toy bear at the camera!

AYUSHMANN KHURRANA – DOG FOOD TESTER

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SuperMan AyushMann should leave bumble-jumble commentary, where he makes more mistakes than a 1st-grade toddler learning Primarily Primary English Course 1, and test dog food for a change.

Yes, the Dog Party of India (DPI) is indeed delighted to have an official tester. The whole community responded with a night-full of barking, with street dogs leading the way.

DPI leader Bhaukta Kutta has said in the media that they didn’t entirely trust the dog food doing the rounds in the market. As it is an industry run by humans, DPI has stated that they want human testers. And who better than numb nut Ayushmann Khurrana! With the number of extra letters in his name, you’d really sound like a dog barking if you took his name every now and then.

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Ayushmann is apparently licking his fingers at the prospect of licking dog food. That’s healthy enthusiasm for a new career!

LALIT KUMAR MODI – SNAKE MILKER

Lalit Kumar Modi. The man who milked India (and the entire cricket world) for money, should now give a hand at milking snakes. Maybe, he can save lives if he takes the venom out of snakes. Given his penchant for milking, Modi might prove to be a revolutionary in the Snake Milking business (and hopefully get poisoned for good himself!).

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LK Modi was smug (see reaction in pic above) when asked about milking snakes. In typical fashion, he stated that he can milk the hell out of anything. Wonder what will happen when Modi comes face to face with this little one below. Should be an epic clash!

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Meanwhile, the snakes are waiting to be milked, Mr. Modi. Hope you return in time for IPL 4!

NAVJOT SINGH SIDHU – PIG MASSEUSE

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This speech-marathon-winning ex-cricketer thinks he can make us laugh. And he can sometimes. But he is best left to massaging street pigs of all shapes and sizes. If nothing, pig grunts will make Sidhu  way more happier than the dull audience reaction he gets from us.

His saliva glands (which are operating at super-low reserve petrol level) can breathe a sigh of relief too, as Sidhu is more likely to make only maniacal hand gestures when massaging pigs’ noses and bottoms than those lip/mouth ones. Apparently, the pigs are excited at this potential new industry, coming up in their rather dull lives. Post-Swine Flu, things have been very quiet. And with Sidhuji leading the way, all we can say is – Bada Changaa Hai Jee!!

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Notice to Pigs: Congratulations! Sidhuji has opened shop. Now, take a look at Sidhuji’s hands for potential Sidhu-Flu causing germs. You’ve been warned.

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OH BOY!! They are queuing up. First-come-first-serve, dudes and dudettes!!

To Be Continued… 🙂

PS: I have no alternative career, sadly. But you can follow me on Twitter for random nonsense. Or visit my other blog, for a change.

The 25 Things Tag

1) I have lived more than half of my life outside India.

2) Deciding to pursue engineering was not the wisest move in my life. I wish I had the conviction in me to pursue a career in sports, political science or even become a pet detective (Ace Ventura style).

3) I detest fame of all kinds, but secretly dream of hot women screaming my name.

4) My social skills are not terrible, just plainly weird. Sometimes, I dont know why I’ve behaved in a certain way, spoken certain things in public and made certain acquaintances.

5) I like football more than cricket. In fact, I am fanatical to the point that the craze has become an addiction. I cant live without football (playing, watching on TV, brainstorming, gossiping). Period.

6) By posting the same comment five consecutive times on one of my blog posts (an example here), I do not understand your point better than I did after reading it just the once.

7) I am a vegetarian. I have had my spell with smoking. I drink very, very rarely.

8) Sometimes, I like playing the uber-cool fool when I am surrounded by people(women) I wish to leave an impression upon. Sometimes.

9) I dont enjoy being in the company of cynics and sycophants. Other types will do, but these two categories of people make me feel like I need blood donors.

10) Thank God, I’ve reached Number 10 on this list.

11) I think Bollywood plays a hand in keeping India united. On a personal level, Bollywood is not for me (Reasons here). I am your occasionally-found-at-multiplexes kind of guy.

12) I was NOT a bully in school. I did NOT rag anyone in college. As far as I can remember.

13) I do not enjoy dancing, of the type in a discotheque with coloured lights and ‘rocking’ music. I enjoy Garbaa and Dandiya Raas, the folks dances of my home state.

14) During my school days, a history teacher who educated me on the Indian freedom struggle, the World Wars and Mahatma Gandhi was one of my role models. I scored 55 in Social Sciences in 10th. I dont know why (Dont smirk! One of the toppers in my school scored 49 in Social Sciences and 90s in all other subjects). I still believe this was a CBSE-sponsored conspiracy.

15) I hate obsessive love. Simple love is fine. But some lovey-doveys are overtly obsessed with their opposites. I feel life loses pragmatism with this kind of ‘love’.

16) The Fair-N-Handsome effect doesn’t fancy me one bit.

17) I think religion has been misunderstood by people to an extent I had never imagined. And it’s getting worse. And the only tonic is tolerance.

18) I think Priyanka Chopra is very beautiful. And hot. I think Mallika Sherawat is very hot. But not beautiful. In an ideal world, I’d want to marry Priyanka and have an extra-marital affair with Mallika. 😉

19) When in my teens, MyHotBoard.com was one of my favourite internet haunts. It doesn’t take a genius to interpret what the site was about, from the name of the site.

20) Sourav Ganguly is my all-time favourite cricketer. During the NatWest final in England in 2002, at 146/5 (when Sachin Tendulkar got out), I made an instant bet with my uncle that India will chase down 326. And we did.

21) I try not to lie. But there are certain situations in life where you just cant seem to ‘go ahead’ if you choose to not lie. I also try not to lie in those situations. But what eventually makes me lie is that greatest fear of ‘being stuck’ in compromising situations.

22) Yes, I realize that I’ve wickedly used this tag to promote some of my previous blog posts.

23) I am usually very calm. MS Dhoni, for me, is a soothing brain that one should attempt to emulate.

24) Two things in the world elevate me to instant bliss – 1) making people laugh 2) scoring a goal in a football match.

25) Thank God, this tag is over. I usually dont enjoy tags. Anybody in the whole wide world can take up this tag from here. Dont pile the pressure on me by expecting me to come up with a list. 🙂

Stay safe.

[Tag request: Indian Home Maker]

(I have a gut feeling that there may be others who would’ve requested this. If you(blogger/reader/Ram Sene hooligan/Congress stooge/BJP hardman/ISI agent) requested one before reading this post, kindly get in touch. A courtesy link is then a necessity.)

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What a MNS MMS can do

He’s back. No, not Sourav Ganguly.

Dear old Raj Thackeray.

CNN-IBN reports that MNS chief Raj Thackeray cut his birthday cake on June the 14th of this year with the word “Bhaiya” written on it. A MMS clip of the same has been leaked. One of their party functionaries moved to lessen the hype over the clip with this mind-boggling comment:-

“We have a lot of north Indian activists in the MNS and it must have been brought by one such activist, but we cannot recollect who,” Party Vice-President Vageesh Saraswat said.

Wow, I never knew there were north Indian “activists” in the MNS fighting against north Indians in the state and the country. And to think their activism and moral duty is to beat up other north Indians, indulge in violence and encourage regional separatism.

Ah! Public figures are responding.

Shatrughan Sinha – Why are the other celebrities keeping quiet? Why are they not speaking up against this atrocious act?

Lal Krishna Advani – If the BJP comes to power in Maharashtra, we will make sure that no birthday cakes are ever cut as they are symbolic of Western influence on young Indians. However, we will allow saffron-coloured and orange-flavoured cakes as we know how much young Indians love and cherish the BJP.

Lalu Prasad Yadav – Nitishji, Paswanji come up on the dias. Media waale, jaraa dur khade rahe pleej.

Nitish Kumar – Laluji, haath dijiye.

Ram Vilas Paswan – Wait CM sahab, main bhi aa raha hoon. Pehle paan to kha loon.

The Holy Trinity of Bihar – We condemn this act and urge the central government to take strict action against the birthday celebrations. An inquiry needs to be ordered into whether the spelling of “Bhaiya” was correct and along which angles he cut the cake. Of our earlier promise, we will try to ensure we resign from Parliament well before our term expires, but first we need a response from the government.

Abhishek Bachchan – Birthday cake? What birthday. Shut up and go watch Drona…err…Dostana.

Mayawati – If this is the kind of respect he is giving to my fellow compatriots, I order a judicial inquiry as to why he didn’t have another birthday cake with the words Behenji written on it. I’m sure he has done that too. I can’t wait to get my hands on him when I become the PM.

Mukesh Ambani – I’m the richest Indian in the world. Woohoo!

England cricket team – We don’t think we will be in any sort of condition to celebrate our birthdays like Raj Thackeray if India whips us 7-0.

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Typically political


Sushma Swaraj’s ridiculous suggestion that the blasts in Ahmedabad and Bangalore were meant to take focus of the to-hell-with-the-sanctity-of-Parliament CASH-FOR-VOTES scandal exposes the fickle-minded approach of today’s politicians. In a time when the country needs to stand united against back-to-back terror strikes, the BJP leader has falsified upon an absolute lack of basic sense, even in times of need.

Talking of terrorism, the setting up of a federal agency is almost a must now. Normal law-and-order services are clearly incapable and overburdened. Terrorism has become a very serious issue and we can no longer afford to be unaffected by it.

It’s not a war, so to say. But it’s nothing lesser too.